Conversation

Thank you, Heather.


Lee?


Welcome back to Michigan old friend. I think about Becky all the time.

Thanks. I definitely miss her bunches. 😞


I can only imagine. She helped me through a cancer scare I had a few years ago. I'll miss her too.


She was a pain in my ass LOL, but she was definitely a caring loving person and would be there for anyone that needed help


Absolutely. My mom is a sweetheart. She's 75 now and I know it's going to be one of us. For her emotional sake I hope it's her first. She wouldn't take it well if she had to bury me.

No parent wants to bury their child. 😞


No. I lost my boys. 15 years of that kind of loneliness can destroy your entire being if you can't contain it.


I could only imagine. My daughter and grandkids are just in another state and it excruciating.


Video chat. It's not the same but you can look right at each other and talk. It's pretty close.

Or record video messages and send them.


I do video chat all the time. I cry every time. LOL but it's great that we have that technology.

Yea. I wish they could build technology to communicate with souls.


I couldn't imagine not being able to talk to them ever again.

I talk to mom all the time. I know she's here. We sense her all the time. She always said that she would haunt us the rest of our lives after she died. LOL Mom totally believed in ghosts and spirits.


Yea. Well I don't mean to mislead you, very terrible things happened (ex and her boyfriend were convicted) my kids survived (one of them in serious condition at 4 months old). But for their own protection the state took them. I'm ashamed to admit I lost them that way. but loosing them still ate me up for all these years.

I'm so sorry. 😞

I couldn't imagine your pain.


Well I appreciate you not judging me. I had one lady switch from sweetheart to woman on a rampage when I told her that.

Needless to say she targeted my selfworth with everything she had.


That's the past and those are your kids. No matter the situation they are your kids.

❤

Yea. I love them still. I still feel responsible for letting my desires convince me to hook up with their mom in the first place. Maybe I could have made them a better life if I had waited for someone else.

She destroyed me almost as much as losing them did. Not sure how I was blind to all the hate over the years.


We have all done things we regret, unfortunately we can't change the past only our futures. The fact that you care that much about them says a lot about you. Maybe you can reunite with them some day, as they are older now.


Nathan is almost 19. Seth should be coming on on 17.

The whole battle concluded in 2003.


Love and lust are blind. I have yet to have a non abusive relationship. Every man has so far, cheated on me and abused me in one way shape or form. It's hard for me to trust anyone now.


Ugh. I know how you feel. Every girlfriend I've had ended up feeling like I wasn't good enough for them.


Then they weren't meant for you


And I'm a very affectionate person. I'm an empath. I sense everything.

The loved being with me but for some reason in the end it was never enough.


I know what you mean. My ex husband cheated on me early in our marriage, but I didn't know about it until after we separated (10 years later), but he was mean and abusive, and my last serious relationship was great to begin with until we moved in together... Then he became emotionally and verbally abusive and found out he was cheating on me since day one. 😞


I don't understand the cheating thing. When you love someone it should be them that fullfill's you right?


EXACTLY! I just don't understand. No matter how bad things got I never thought of cheating... Leaving, but not cheating


Right. If something isn't working it's best to just end it, not create more distrust by immorally supplementing your relationship.


YES!

The other thing is, why would he cheat on a woman like you? Sounds like he has issues like lack of appreciation for the good things in life.


Aww thanks. At the time I worried about what I did wrong or wasn't doing enough of... Now looking back... It was definitely just him. I did everything in my power to keep them happy. 😞


I know you did just because I know the kind of person you are. I kinda despise him for having someone like you in his life and wasting the chance. I'm not trying to patronize you, I'm just that homesick for something real and it pains me to see people waste it when they have it.


At that time we were very young... And no one could tell me anything... I know this now, especially dealing with my daughter.


Yea. Life taught me a lot of things too over time. I'm a monster and a gentleman.

My last relationship was with Theresa. She had a 4 year old when we met. He's gonna be 14 this year. Still loves to come hang out and chat with me online.


And that's ok, you know who you are and have been working on what you feel are your faults. Same here

That's awesome though. I'm super close with my stepdad. He has been there more for me than my biological father


I recall something about a dad in Alabama?


Yup. He's the reason I moved down there in the first place, he got my ex-husband a job where he worked.


Ah. Makes sense. I'm on SSDI. I have too much time, not enough money, and dreams of being happy.


I never understood disability payments. You can't work, but they don't give you enough money to survive. 😕


If you live in income based housing it helps. I don't, but it helps. Luckily my little rat's nest is 400 a month all included. I still go broke the first couple weeks of the month but I'm not a risk of ending up on the street.

I'm aiming to try the roommate thing. My buddy has a place with an extra room. I already killed my internet n stuff at home. Slowly disconnecting from my life there and opening up to new possibilities.


That's great! Sounds like you are on the right track.

I actually share an apartment with my brother now. We split the bills. There's no way I could afford this place by myself and it's not even like a high end apartment. LOL

It's like the next step up from public housing. (I know cuz I lived in public housing quite a few years after my ex-husband and I split up)


What ever makes ends meet. Home is what you make it :)


EXACTLY! We get along pretty well and do our own thing, at the same time he is basically my only friend here


Yea building a new life some where can start out kinda lonely. Takes time to get acquainted.


I don't make friends very easily... I definitely have major trust issues.


Well. I realize this is kinda sudden, I'm really enjoying our conversation. But I'm an empath recovering from an emotional breakdown so if I don't let you go now I might make this weird by falling love or losing my grip on my emotions somehow. I know you don't need my problems on your plate.

Well I'm here to listen any time. Even if I'm at work, I'll get back to you as soon as I can. 😊


I appreciate that. Thank you for understanding.

You are a beautiful woman and Michigan is a land of promise. You'll do well.

Thank you very much. 😊

And you are definitely the same sweet caring guy you were when I first met you.


Few know me from those days. Most people I know do see the good in me. But few have seen the more innocent younger me.

Maybe that's why I see you through a different lens as well.


Very good possibility.

And same for me to you. I've been keeping an eye on you on Facebook over the years and all, but I remember you as you were so long ago. I think the last time I actually saw you I was pregnant with Mariah.


Yea. I to remember that. Amity street down by the school.


Was it there or on Lawrence still? Either way I remember it. LOL


You were glowing a bit. I realized then I had definitely lost my chance for redemption. But I knew you'd be a great mom.


My memory is the worst. I remember random unnecessary shit and have a hard time remembering other things

Aww thank you. And you did nothing wrong. I think I got scared cuz you were older and I wasn't sure what I was doing with my life at that point.


Well one thing was clear that you were doing with your life at that point lol.


LOL right.

Before that I was planning for ivy league colleges and being some kind of professional.


I'm sorry. I know I came on strong and probably confused you more in a time you were still learning who you really were.


I'm pretty sure that's what it was, truthfully. I'd never had anyone show me such affection ... What was I like 15 or 16. As an adult that's what I look for, at that age I was definitely still learning about life. (Shit I'm still learning about life now LOL)


I do recall that you were taken back by it. I knew all along I came off too strong. But it was too late.


But that's not your fault. You are you and I wasn't ready for that. My brother and I have talked about you and I before and I definitely think fondly on the time we had together

Then you got pregnant before I could try to do things the right way.


You still could have... I haven't talked to Mariah's dad since the day I told him I was pregnant.


I'm glad we agree about that time we had together. I'm glad you forgive me for what I did. I realize it wasn't something horrible, but I've always had trouble controlling my affectionate side. My ex wife and multiple girlfriends pushed me away all the time. I was basically punished for being affectionate.

I love the warmth and contact but I don't want to feel like I'm not allowed to love someone as much as I want.

Sorry that's the emotional instability setting in again.


That's too bad, cuz I know the last almost 10 years that I've been off and on single, I've looked for someone that cares as much for me as I do for them... instead I get thrown back to the wolves fighting for my life alone again.


You're telling my story too. Seriously. I could hug you just because I know we'll both understand what it's for.


Yup! Most definitely!


I know I could love you every bit as much as you deserve. But I can't promise I won't ruin us too. I swear I need an emotional caretaker sometimes.


I understand that too. I hold most of my emotions in now. I have to really trust you for you to know what I'm really feeling. I've spent the last 21 years with a mask on to be strong for my daughter and it's exhausting


I understand. I'm the way I am because I didn't understand what I was dealing with until it almost destroyed me.

Couldn't talk about what I find the words for.


EXACTLY


what I couldn't find the words for I mean.


It's good that you know that about yourself though. It helps you control yourself a bit when you need to.

I can only really express my real feelings in writing in person I clam up


Well you must trust me to some extent, You've revealed a little about what's been breaking you.


Like I said... I think fondly on our time together and you never did me wrong.

Well... I have to head to work. Hope to talk to you again soon. 😊


I'll await the moment with baited breath.


😊


Is it weird that I'm still thinking about you and for some reason I can't wait to talk to you again? I'm kinda worried that I might be having another empath episode or something and I don't want to push you away by getting attached to you in any way that might cross a line for you. I'm not dangerous or anything. I'm just scared and trying to do this alone.

I'm sorry I'm only making this worse. I never see it coming when I do this kind of stuff. That's why I've been trying to avoid everyone. I don't want to keep doing this.


See this where you think that you may be over acting (not over reacting) and you sit back and think about how you should and shouldn't handle a situation. You know this about yourself... that's the first step. 😊


Doesn't mean I'm any less conflicted about my feelings lol.


Normally I can tell if I'm just feeling something residual or if it's something I'm really feeling. Right now I can't tell.


That is understandable. We had some pretty deep conversation today and we haven't had a conversation in eons.

I gotta head back into work.


Yea. It's a lot of emotion. I'm sorry. I guess this must be a combination of all these old memories and my longing for comfort. It's nice to catch up with an old friend and feel something good again, but it's not fair to you having been through so much just to have me trying to warm up to you on top if it all.

Ok. Have fun.


Comments